“…for the past no matter how distant is as much as part of me as life itself…”
- Beyond Forgetting
He stood there in oblivion while I was quite a few meters away from him. He gazed at me with twinkling eyes while I gazed up with twinkling eyes at my fiancée.
No, this was not a typical story. I would not have wanted to call it our love story either because there was never really us. Well, there was, but not really.
He knew then that I was not a free woman. Not free in a sense that I was already engaged to someone else. Moreover, I was engaged to his first class and he was my fiancée’s plebe. We did not meet at that time but our paths crossed when he finally stepped up his first class year, when he had his first taste of what it was like to be suspended in half heavens.
For a while I was convinced that I was doing my foster sister stint while he was playing his role as my foster brother, like six of his classmates were. He was not even my closest brother. During my visits he would come up to me once or twice to say hello and to thank me for the boodles and that was that. We send occasional sweet messages but that was just that.
I guess electric currents started rushing in when I called each and every foster brother to greet them for the holidays. No, I did not feel anything going through the telephone lines but after that, our messages came pouring in. We would often exchange our philosophies in life and he’d even write to me about love. And when he did, I would sense the scent of dismay in his messages. Perhaps dismay over my situation, dismay that he couldn’t go overboard than being a brother. What he did not know was that there was dismay curling up inside me too, because many times he made mention of this girl he so much loved but things didn’t work out so he just had to let go. And the most difficult part for him was that the girl he loved so much was not the same girl he’s with at that moment.
A part of me ached for his pain…and for the other part of me that hurt, I’ve yet to find out what it’s meant for.
We gradually became close through letters and short messages and when he’s on his leaves in Manila and during his one month vacation after graduation, we’d go out and watch movies, dine out and sometimes go to parties. Sometimes we’d just be caught up in good conversation over coffee and he’d pour out his heart to me, how much he cried in my arms when he felt guilty over his situation. I let him on in my life and gave him a picture of it, a big one. I really didn’t know why I did, I just felt I had to. We became subtly physical, holding hands for friendship and a hug or two when we need assurance. But then again, that was just that…or so I thought.
During one of his letters, he had opened up that love thing again and the hints of dismay echoed once more. But this time, he cannot be silenced for this time he said he’d fallen in love with me and my reply admitted that I’ve fallen in the pit, too. And when we’ve finally said the magic words, the puzzle that was almost finished lost some of its pieces.
Our times together were “take-life” but wonderful. He’d taken me up to meet his relatives and they had loved me, had loved us. His family loved me too and they kept on mentioning about us having kids and our wedding. On the contrary, he couldn’t even stay longer at my house. People were starting to look beyond our eyes and we were worried they just might see right through us. But we were happy, anyway. We were convinced we had something going on. He took the risk of being with me despite my predicament and he hoped with all his heart that we could hurdle this one. Our love was strong for both of us, it kept both of us yearning for another moment with each other.
He had insisted that I take a miniature of his class pendant, which I willingly accepted because he had my name etched on it. He even came close to giving me his miniature ring but I declined as I showed him my fiancée’s miniature ring on my right hand. He understood. He gave me a sliver band instead.
It had begun. He left his girlfriend for me. He loved me and I loved him. Yes, curse me all you want for I was a two-timer. But not long after that, I had told myself that I had come to love him more.
But with all the wedding preparations for me going in and out of my personal space, I had to finally let him go. I had chosen the man I couldn’t live without and sadly it was not he. We said our goodbyes but with hearts and heads constantly looking back, wishing one of us would turn around and face the odds…and defy destiny. But as the distance grew, no one budged. I guess he took what I said as the end while I posted it as a challenge.
I happily wed after that. He was even there at my wedding wearing his white duck and misty eyed as I said, “I do.” I did not see him among the bachelors when my groom threw his garter. I was not even sure if he even made it to the reception.
I lived a normal married life and although no one knew of my most tearing moments, I never regretted my decision. Truly, my husband was the one carefully handcrafted for me. He was a wonderful father as he took care of our five kids. He was even a more wonderful partner as he provided me with the love and support I needed. Sometimes I even wonder why I doubted that he’d be the one.
And as for that special man I once loved, I never heard from him after I saw him on my wedding day. I get news of his whereabouts from my foster brothers once in a while. No one in his group knew about us, and I guess no one ever will. Ours will just be a memory of the past, a prolific dream.
I never thought I’d see him again, much more talk to him, but I did, almost a year ago.
Now after many many years, we stand here both in oblivion. He stands here with his wife as he gazes up at his daughter with twinkling eyes while I stand here with my husband as I gaze up at my son with teary ones. Today, they will join hands in marriage and hopefully outlive what we once had…if ever there was truly us.
July 2002
/mleranario/
Friday, September 11, 2009
HOW - Fiction from way back then
i
The bus trip was shorter than I expected it would be. I arrived at the Summer Capital a few hours earlier than my friends assumed.
‘I am here at last,’ I told myself. I breathed in the cold winds, it was not summer but I was visiting. It was not summer, it was the holiday season, much like winter…winter felt by my skin and winter felt within.
I put down my bags, and some extra little packages for some persons dear to me. I was not sure what exactly I was doing here, but there was a different meaning to this trip. Uncertainty wrapped me, yet there was a deeper sense of meaning to my visit. Something unexpected, perhaps. Something that would take my breath away, and sweep me off my feet, a surprise.
“Sis, meet Voltaire, Voltaire my foster sister Kahlil,” a voice interrupted my thoughts. It was my foster brother Gary, a cadet from the Philippine Military Academy. He was introducing me to his companion, his classmate from the PMA.
“Hi,” was all I managed to say as I extended my hand in introduction. He took it, and I let go of his hand after we shook. “Where have you been?” I turned my attention to Gary, who was almost half an hour late.
“We had dates, you know…” he sarcastically remarked. “We left them just to fetch you. That’s how important you are to me,” he said as he jokingly punched me in the arm.
“Wow, thanks.” And I pushed him.
“Can I have your bags?” Gary’s classmate asked me, and I willingly complied. The pain in my arms was killing me.
“Thanks, what’s your name again, Voltes Five?” I joked, trying to remember his name.
He smiled at me and said, “Volts.”
ii
‘Where the hell is he?’
I was supposed to meet Gary at the Visitor’s Center because the 100th Nite Show was running this evening. The show exhibited the talents of the cadets, and some antics were expected too. My phone beeped its usual annoying sound and my text message was from Gary. I was supposed to proceed to the covered court.
‘Who is he kidding?’ I asked myself. I was to go there alone, but I had no choice. I have the option of walking alone or just wait for the show to end. I opted to go with the first.
I traversed Flirtation Walk alone, wishing he was my by side. It has been years since we walked this way together. He was a cadet himself, all tall and gray. I was so proud to have been seen walking around with the most charming person I know, and I know that this person loves me. And even though I was not holding his hand in mine, there was an unspoken bond between us.
Bright lights gave my eyes a squint, and at the same time snatched me away from dreamland. It seems I’ve been having a lot of thoughts going in and out of my mind lately.
As I entered the covered court, a number of “Good evening, Ma’am” ‘s echoed. I nodded, tried to hide the identifiable tokens I had with me, and smiled my acknowledgement. I chose a seat and made myself comfortable. Just then a voice came… “Ladies and gentlemen, good evening… Let us welcome our first class cadets.” And a proud sound came in the background as lights dimmed and spotlights focused on the doors. Then came in the Immaculates, as they were called. I saw Gary and his other classmates, proud and happy. I sat back and smiled. ‘They must be glad they have visitors…I couldn’t even make it to his 100th Nite Show before…can’t imagine it has been three years…’ My thoughts trailed.
The show began with the song Ikaw Lamang by their underclassmen. Towards the end of the song, the underclassmen went down the stage and gave their first class cadets roses. It was so heart felt. I felt tears brim and finally fall down my cheeks.
iii
We were walking towards Longayban Hall for a small gathering. My stomach was screaming food and my head read H-U-N-G-R-Y.
“Did you enjoy? Did you understand it?” Gary asked.
“Yes to both!” I answered back. “It’s just that I’m starving…”
“Then make fast!” He ordered as his pace went slightly faster. I caught up with him as I savored the cold air. Shivers went down my spine, I felt vulnerable against the winds and even though I believe I must have been a little less than overweight, I suddenly felt scared that the winds might take me somewhere far.
We reached the hall in a couple of strides more. No conversations were held, just purely screams of silence against the flesh-penetrating cold. The class baron said a prayer and everyone suddenly felt alive. I, too, became aware of everyone who was pushing his or her way towards the food. I slugged it out with them, and when something on my right hand glistened, all the uniformed hands abruptly went out of sight.
I was savoring my kakanin when Gary interrupted, “Sis, someone is looking for you.”
I looked up and saw Voltaire. I smiled and thought, ‘transformations do happen when one is in uniform.’ Up to this moment, I didn’t realize how charming his smile was, how nicely fixed his hair was and how he smelled so clean.
“Uhmmm…for you.” He smiled as he gave me the rose that was given to him by their underclassmen.
Again, “thanks” was all I managed to say. But this time, my heart would have beaten the bombs they dropped over there at Kabul.
iv
A night out. That spelled fun somehow. Gary has just invited me to go out with him and Volts. The mere mention of his name suddenly lit up the night sky. In my heart, the moon beamed its brightest light.
We arrived at the noisiest place I’ve ever been. There was a live band playing, there was dancing and lots of drinking. Gary had a companion, who he claimed to be his friend. And so Volts and I were left to share a world of our own.
An exchange of stories was done, we swanked of our feats while he drank beer and smoked his cigarette. There were a couple of high fives during the most amusing moments of our conversation amid the noisy setting. But there was one high five that made all the difference, because when our hands met in agreement and approval, he never let go of it.
All night he just kept his hand locked with mine, and I know that years from now, I will still remember the warm feeling his closeness brought. It felt so right, and our hands fit perfectly.
v
“Sis, seats are accorded for you in the PMA bus enroute to Manila. Lt. Calderon made pretty sure of that.”
My thoughts were racing like wildfire… ‘Is it really okay if I take that free bus to Manila? What would other people say if they see a civilian riding the PMA bus? And a female at that?!’ My heart was indeed hammering away again.
As if to ease my tension Gary said, “A few other civilians will be riding with us, too.”
I then boarded the bus and among the many crew cuts and gray hues, I found Volts and he motioned for me to sit beside him.
“Hi!” I said enthusiastically, as I settled my things in the aisle.
“Do you want to take the window seat?” Volts offered.
“No, thanks. I think I’m pretty much comfortable where I am now.” I shyly replied.
“This will be one heck of a bus ride…” Volts murmured as he sat back and looked away.
vi
Everyone was far from awake. Last night’s gimmick got the best of me, I was also in deep slumber yet something sublime awoke my psyche, and led me to open my eyes. Volts’ face was just inches apart from mine. I knew he was going to kiss me but instead of pushing him, I closed my eyes and let our lips brush.
Then he lifted my face and gave me a lingering kiss. Our lips touched in a pure and tender kiss.
I never wanted the moment to end. I wished I could cast a spell like what the wicked witch did to Sleeping Beauty and her kingdom so that the entire world would fall into a deep sleep and that the only persons awake will be Volts and I.
After that blissful moment, I opened my eyes and noticed how brown his eyes were. How his eyebrows were perfectly shaped. How perfectly formed his nose was and how his lips tasted so sweet.
The kiss was something unexpected, it took my breath away and swept me off my feet. It was a surprise.
vii
I’m back in Manila, with the warm weather.
I took off the pendant and the miniature ring and stared at them while thinking long and hard. I now only have once concern…how would I tell Mark I’ve met someone else?
December 2001
The bus trip was shorter than I expected it would be. I arrived at the Summer Capital a few hours earlier than my friends assumed.
‘I am here at last,’ I told myself. I breathed in the cold winds, it was not summer but I was visiting. It was not summer, it was the holiday season, much like winter…winter felt by my skin and winter felt within.
I put down my bags, and some extra little packages for some persons dear to me. I was not sure what exactly I was doing here, but there was a different meaning to this trip. Uncertainty wrapped me, yet there was a deeper sense of meaning to my visit. Something unexpected, perhaps. Something that would take my breath away, and sweep me off my feet, a surprise.
“Sis, meet Voltaire, Voltaire my foster sister Kahlil,” a voice interrupted my thoughts. It was my foster brother Gary, a cadet from the Philippine Military Academy. He was introducing me to his companion, his classmate from the PMA.
“Hi,” was all I managed to say as I extended my hand in introduction. He took it, and I let go of his hand after we shook. “Where have you been?” I turned my attention to Gary, who was almost half an hour late.
“We had dates, you know…” he sarcastically remarked. “We left them just to fetch you. That’s how important you are to me,” he said as he jokingly punched me in the arm.
“Wow, thanks.” And I pushed him.
“Can I have your bags?” Gary’s classmate asked me, and I willingly complied. The pain in my arms was killing me.
“Thanks, what’s your name again, Voltes Five?” I joked, trying to remember his name.
He smiled at me and said, “Volts.”
ii
‘Where the hell is he?’
I was supposed to meet Gary at the Visitor’s Center because the 100th Nite Show was running this evening. The show exhibited the talents of the cadets, and some antics were expected too. My phone beeped its usual annoying sound and my text message was from Gary. I was supposed to proceed to the covered court.
‘Who is he kidding?’ I asked myself. I was to go there alone, but I had no choice. I have the option of walking alone or just wait for the show to end. I opted to go with the first.
I traversed Flirtation Walk alone, wishing he was my by side. It has been years since we walked this way together. He was a cadet himself, all tall and gray. I was so proud to have been seen walking around with the most charming person I know, and I know that this person loves me. And even though I was not holding his hand in mine, there was an unspoken bond between us.
Bright lights gave my eyes a squint, and at the same time snatched me away from dreamland. It seems I’ve been having a lot of thoughts going in and out of my mind lately.
As I entered the covered court, a number of “Good evening, Ma’am” ‘s echoed. I nodded, tried to hide the identifiable tokens I had with me, and smiled my acknowledgement. I chose a seat and made myself comfortable. Just then a voice came… “Ladies and gentlemen, good evening… Let us welcome our first class cadets.” And a proud sound came in the background as lights dimmed and spotlights focused on the doors. Then came in the Immaculates, as they were called. I saw Gary and his other classmates, proud and happy. I sat back and smiled. ‘They must be glad they have visitors…I couldn’t even make it to his 100th Nite Show before…can’t imagine it has been three years…’ My thoughts trailed.
The show began with the song Ikaw Lamang by their underclassmen. Towards the end of the song, the underclassmen went down the stage and gave their first class cadets roses. It was so heart felt. I felt tears brim and finally fall down my cheeks.
iii
We were walking towards Longayban Hall for a small gathering. My stomach was screaming food and my head read H-U-N-G-R-Y.
“Did you enjoy? Did you understand it?” Gary asked.
“Yes to both!” I answered back. “It’s just that I’m starving…”
“Then make fast!” He ordered as his pace went slightly faster. I caught up with him as I savored the cold air. Shivers went down my spine, I felt vulnerable against the winds and even though I believe I must have been a little less than overweight, I suddenly felt scared that the winds might take me somewhere far.
We reached the hall in a couple of strides more. No conversations were held, just purely screams of silence against the flesh-penetrating cold. The class baron said a prayer and everyone suddenly felt alive. I, too, became aware of everyone who was pushing his or her way towards the food. I slugged it out with them, and when something on my right hand glistened, all the uniformed hands abruptly went out of sight.
I was savoring my kakanin when Gary interrupted, “Sis, someone is looking for you.”
I looked up and saw Voltaire. I smiled and thought, ‘transformations do happen when one is in uniform.’ Up to this moment, I didn’t realize how charming his smile was, how nicely fixed his hair was and how he smelled so clean.
“Uhmmm…for you.” He smiled as he gave me the rose that was given to him by their underclassmen.
Again, “thanks” was all I managed to say. But this time, my heart would have beaten the bombs they dropped over there at Kabul.
iv
A night out. That spelled fun somehow. Gary has just invited me to go out with him and Volts. The mere mention of his name suddenly lit up the night sky. In my heart, the moon beamed its brightest light.
We arrived at the noisiest place I’ve ever been. There was a live band playing, there was dancing and lots of drinking. Gary had a companion, who he claimed to be his friend. And so Volts and I were left to share a world of our own.
An exchange of stories was done, we swanked of our feats while he drank beer and smoked his cigarette. There were a couple of high fives during the most amusing moments of our conversation amid the noisy setting. But there was one high five that made all the difference, because when our hands met in agreement and approval, he never let go of it.
All night he just kept his hand locked with mine, and I know that years from now, I will still remember the warm feeling his closeness brought. It felt so right, and our hands fit perfectly.
v
“Sis, seats are accorded for you in the PMA bus enroute to Manila. Lt. Calderon made pretty sure of that.”
My thoughts were racing like wildfire… ‘Is it really okay if I take that free bus to Manila? What would other people say if they see a civilian riding the PMA bus? And a female at that?!’ My heart was indeed hammering away again.
As if to ease my tension Gary said, “A few other civilians will be riding with us, too.”
I then boarded the bus and among the many crew cuts and gray hues, I found Volts and he motioned for me to sit beside him.
“Hi!” I said enthusiastically, as I settled my things in the aisle.
“Do you want to take the window seat?” Volts offered.
“No, thanks. I think I’m pretty much comfortable where I am now.” I shyly replied.
“This will be one heck of a bus ride…” Volts murmured as he sat back and looked away.
vi
Everyone was far from awake. Last night’s gimmick got the best of me, I was also in deep slumber yet something sublime awoke my psyche, and led me to open my eyes. Volts’ face was just inches apart from mine. I knew he was going to kiss me but instead of pushing him, I closed my eyes and let our lips brush.
Then he lifted my face and gave me a lingering kiss. Our lips touched in a pure and tender kiss.
I never wanted the moment to end. I wished I could cast a spell like what the wicked witch did to Sleeping Beauty and her kingdom so that the entire world would fall into a deep sleep and that the only persons awake will be Volts and I.
After that blissful moment, I opened my eyes and noticed how brown his eyes were. How his eyebrows were perfectly shaped. How perfectly formed his nose was and how his lips tasted so sweet.
The kiss was something unexpected, it took my breath away and swept me off my feet. It was a surprise.
vii
I’m back in Manila, with the warm weather.
I took off the pendant and the miniature ring and stared at them while thinking long and hard. I now only have once concern…how would I tell Mark I’ve met someone else?
December 2001
Soul Amidst Mayhem - Fiction published in Corps Magazine
Stars lit up the night sky and he was holding me so close as if to kiss me. I was waiting for a proposal. I was waiting for him to say what I had been feeling ever since I found him, or he found me. He then distanced himself from me, held my hands and asked of me:
“Can we be good friends forever?”
I gulped what seemed like a large chunk of air and held back the tears that were forming at the corner of my eyes. I forced a smile and tried to calm down my cracking voice, trying to hide the brimming sob as I managed to say, “I had been praying you’d ask me that.”
Then he embraced me and gave me a peck on the nose.
I will never forget how badly my heart was broken that night. With all hopes vanishing and each dream I had built in my own private world coming to a blur. I believe I had to bring him out of my system somehow.
I tried so hard not to return nor answer his phone calls. Whenever I knew he was calling and I wouldn’t answer the phone, I was crying my heart out because I wanted so badly to hear his voice. It’s an irony as many have previously claimed that the only person who can stop you from crying is exactly the same person who made you cry.
He was just another person who walked into my otherwise complicated life. He came, as others also have, right when I was hopelessly looking. He stood out because he was the kind of person whom you’d like to talk to for hours on end even though both of us didn’t have the luxury of time. There was so much to discover about him that when we do get the chance to meet, a whole afternoon would be considered time well-spent.
My angels know exactly how much I prayed for him. As our friendship grew, my feelings went dangerously deeper. I had always asked God to take him away if he won’t be feeling the same. Yet he stayed with me and helped me bear my joys and pains. But thinking about it now, it might have just seemed that way.
After that painful night, I disappeared without saying goodbye. I still prayed for him every night with the words, ‘I hope our friendship will never end.’
I was in and out of relationships, each time the broken pieces of my heart lose some if its bits, with me not knowing where to pick them up. So many times I had been tempted to call him and tell him that he had been my last hope yet he couldn’t love me the way I loved him. I wanted to tell him of the hate I felt when a friend told me that my two wonderful sons from a previous relationship was his reason why he couldn’t be involved with me any further. I wanted so much to carry a lifetime grudge but I couldn’t. He has done so much for me to do that.
After what seemed like a lifetime, and just when I thought I already got over him, I let him in in my life once again. This time however, I had told myself that this would be one of the best friendships ever.
We got back to what we used to do, to what we used to have. Heart to heart talks, hands together, leaning on shoulders, tight hugs, goodbye kisses, half-meant jokes, sweet compliments, mixed signals, uncertain feelings, unsaid emotions…just good friends.
This time, it did not hurt anymore. But one night was about to change what I was feeling. We were scheduled to have of our dinner dates and on my way to our usual meeting place, my heart was hammering away with an unexpected gladness and anticipation. And after that special night, everything else was history.
Now here we are right now, underneath the same starlit sky. I am now happy, no more pain in my heart yet I noticed tears in his eyes. He told me how wrong he was to ask me to be his good friend forever when all he wanted to ask me was if I could be his. He told me of the pain he bore all the times I was not talking to him. He then asked me why I had to leave just when he had made up his mind to tell me nothing but the truth about his feelings. I saw him break down, only I was not there to comfort him as I used to because I am just now a passing soul.
I was rushing that night because I felt that that was completely different dinner. Amid the clamor in my heart and mind, I failed to see a vehicle coming straight at me. I did not make it to our dinner, much more, I did not make it to hear him say these words he is saying tonight.
As the winds quietly convince me to move on, I place a cold kiss on his lips and touched him as gently as I can and hopelessly wish he hears me whispering:
“Now we can be good friends forever.”
“Can we be good friends forever?”
I gulped what seemed like a large chunk of air and held back the tears that were forming at the corner of my eyes. I forced a smile and tried to calm down my cracking voice, trying to hide the brimming sob as I managed to say, “I had been praying you’d ask me that.”
Then he embraced me and gave me a peck on the nose.
I will never forget how badly my heart was broken that night. With all hopes vanishing and each dream I had built in my own private world coming to a blur. I believe I had to bring him out of my system somehow.
I tried so hard not to return nor answer his phone calls. Whenever I knew he was calling and I wouldn’t answer the phone, I was crying my heart out because I wanted so badly to hear his voice. It’s an irony as many have previously claimed that the only person who can stop you from crying is exactly the same person who made you cry.
He was just another person who walked into my otherwise complicated life. He came, as others also have, right when I was hopelessly looking. He stood out because he was the kind of person whom you’d like to talk to for hours on end even though both of us didn’t have the luxury of time. There was so much to discover about him that when we do get the chance to meet, a whole afternoon would be considered time well-spent.
My angels know exactly how much I prayed for him. As our friendship grew, my feelings went dangerously deeper. I had always asked God to take him away if he won’t be feeling the same. Yet he stayed with me and helped me bear my joys and pains. But thinking about it now, it might have just seemed that way.
After that painful night, I disappeared without saying goodbye. I still prayed for him every night with the words, ‘I hope our friendship will never end.’
I was in and out of relationships, each time the broken pieces of my heart lose some if its bits, with me not knowing where to pick them up. So many times I had been tempted to call him and tell him that he had been my last hope yet he couldn’t love me the way I loved him. I wanted to tell him of the hate I felt when a friend told me that my two wonderful sons from a previous relationship was his reason why he couldn’t be involved with me any further. I wanted so much to carry a lifetime grudge but I couldn’t. He has done so much for me to do that.
After what seemed like a lifetime, and just when I thought I already got over him, I let him in in my life once again. This time however, I had told myself that this would be one of the best friendships ever.
We got back to what we used to do, to what we used to have. Heart to heart talks, hands together, leaning on shoulders, tight hugs, goodbye kisses, half-meant jokes, sweet compliments, mixed signals, uncertain feelings, unsaid emotions…just good friends.
This time, it did not hurt anymore. But one night was about to change what I was feeling. We were scheduled to have of our dinner dates and on my way to our usual meeting place, my heart was hammering away with an unexpected gladness and anticipation. And after that special night, everything else was history.
Now here we are right now, underneath the same starlit sky. I am now happy, no more pain in my heart yet I noticed tears in his eyes. He told me how wrong he was to ask me to be his good friend forever when all he wanted to ask me was if I could be his. He told me of the pain he bore all the times I was not talking to him. He then asked me why I had to leave just when he had made up his mind to tell me nothing but the truth about his feelings. I saw him break down, only I was not there to comfort him as I used to because I am just now a passing soul.
I was rushing that night because I felt that that was completely different dinner. Amid the clamor in my heart and mind, I failed to see a vehicle coming straight at me. I did not make it to our dinner, much more, I did not make it to hear him say these words he is saying tonight.
As the winds quietly convince me to move on, I place a cold kiss on his lips and touched him as gently as I can and hopelessly wish he hears me whispering:
“Now we can be good friends forever.”
The Odds - Fiction
Silent tears fell from my eyes as I heard her words. Those were the sharpest words I have ever heard from her since I understood the workings of the world. I could not understand, and she did not make me, why she will never approve of the only woman I ever wasted.
My childhood was wonderful. As far as I can remember, Mommy, me and my brother lived alone together in a small but decent abode. There were times I would ask about my Daddy and Mom would bite her lip and shrug her shoulders. As I grew, I learned not to ask anymore for I never did get answers.
I also remember how Papa came along. He came to our otherwise nonchalant life and painted it with many brilliant colors. Mom was very happy – something I had never seen and felt before. Sure, she worked hard and there were many times she had to bring me and my brother to work. I never heard her complain, though. But sometimes in the dark of our cozy little room, I could hear her sniff and when I try to wipe her tears away, she will always tell me that everything will be okay even if it’s just Mommy.
But when Papa came, all that changed. There were no more tears and the deepest of me knew something wonderful had happened. I never felt that gnawing feeling I get when I see other kids given a back ride by their dads. Papa gave me and my brother those and more. From that time, I resolved never to ask Mom about my own dad. I am complete with my brother, Mom and Papa.
Shortly before I graduated from elementary, Mom took me to my favorite Italian restaurant and asked me if I ever felt lacking. I remember giving her a puzzled look and asked straightforward, “Why should I be?” Then she told me that this is the time to know about my father. My heart skipped a beat as she told me how they were not blessed with marriage but were blessed with two boys. She finally made me understand that their relationship did not prosper into one worthy of marriage and lifetime commitment. She wanted to be the best Mom and she will never be able to make it with her constant fights with Dad. They had to part.
At that moment, I looked at her and I knew she was waiting for me to say something.
I took her hand and said, “You are the best, Mom.” I saw her fighting back the tears as she paid the bill. Then she handed me the gadget I had long wanted.
Little by little after that talk, she began telling me things about my father. How he sent us financial support back then and how he would come to our birthday celebrations. She told me I got my artistic abilities from him and how my brother looks a lot like him. She told me how she had come to him for money but it just stopped coming. The last she heard was my father getting married just months after my brother was born. I told her I do not want to know anything about my father anymore. I do not want anything to do with him as he had shown nothing for us.
So instead, she told me of her short-lived affairs in pursuit of lifetime partnership. After failing, she resulted to thinking she was destined to be a single parent. But everything changed when she crossed paths with the man I called Papa.
When I was finishing my secondary education, she introduced me to my godparents who were now high ranking officers in the military. I never saw my Mom’s wide affiliations with the service until that time. It opened new doors for me, as well as for my brother. By the end of my first year in college as an architecture student, I have decided to make a go for the Philippine Military Academy Entrance Examination. My brother, being likewise qualified, joined me that day.
Both of us passed the exam as well as the physical tests. Two weeks before we were to report to V. Luna in Quezon City, Papa and Mom had a along talk with us. Mom was all against it because of her many heartbreaks with PMAyers. But my brother and I were too set in making a career in the military so Mom just posted us a challenge: to graduate with Latin honors. She said that any impeding sign that we would not meet that goal, we are free to come home.
The four years were really rigorous but Mom made it a point that neither of us gets special treatment despite her connections. Our Mom and our sister were our partners during socials or what we call hops and formal dinners. Mom gave us freedom to look for other partners though but both my brother and I kept her challenge at heart and did not allow any distractions.
During our last year, visitors from a university in Manila came. I was one of the cadets to entertain them and that was the first time I met and saw Yuna. Her name so stuck with me because my name is Yuri.
She had bright and well rounded eyes and a very infectious laugh. I could tell she was always the light of the party. Before the day ended, despite the jitters, I could not help myself from getting her cellphone number. I realized right at that moment that I could not lose her.
We started conversing and I told Mom about her. Mom was elated because at long last her boy has come of age. She asked me if I was already courting her. I told her no, at least not yet. I was waiting and still working hard for my Latin honors.
All those times, Yuna and I texted each other but I remained casual, no matter how hard that was for me. She mentioned that some of her classmates would be attending our last formal dinner and asked if I already invited someone.
“It has always been my Mom or Bea.”
“Bea…your…” she sounded a bit skeptical.
I let out a smile as I sensed jealousy but casually said, “my sister…half sister.”
“Oh… I thought she was your girlfriend.” I heard her sigh that obviously meant relief.
At that time I knew this was the right moment.
“Yuna…”
“Yes?”
“I think it’s obvious now that I really like you, don’t you think?”
“Well, well, cadet. I thought you’d never say that.” I sensed overwhelming laughter from her.
“But I made a promise to my Mom, that I will graduate with flying colors, and I don’t want to pester you with a long distance relationship either. So I’m saying…”
“That you’re hoping I’ll wait until after graduation?” She finished me off.
“Uhmmm…yes…kind of…” my voice trailed off as I felt a ton lifted off my chest.
“What made you think I’d say yes?” Her voice sounded angry now.
My face fell and silence followed.
After what seemed like eternity, she burst into laughter and said, “you can’t take a joke, can you? Yes! I will!”
“Really?”
“Just make me a promise. I know you’re good at this.”
“Yes, Yuna?”
“Just your Mom and Bea, okay?”
“You’ve got yourself a deal…Yuna?”
“What? Trying to bargain already?” she laughed.
“I love you…” My heart was hammering as I said that. It was my first time.
“Until graduation”
I was more inspired day in and day out and when graduation came, Mom was all teary eyed as the announcements came:
“YURI ELLO PEÑA, PASAY CITY, CUM LAUDE. FOR HAVING GARNERED THE HIGHEST GRADE POINT FOR CADETS JOINING THE NAVY, YURI ELLO PEÑA IS AWARDED THE NAVY SABER.”
I saw Mom’s eyes widen in amazement but she was near breakdown when my brother’s name was called.
“YUAN ELLO PEÑA, PASAY CITY, CUM LAUDE. FOR HAVING GARNERED THE HIGHEST GRADE POINT FOR CADETS JOINING THE AIR FORCE, YUAN ELLO PEÑA IS AWARDED THE AIR FORCE SABER. FOR HAVING GARNERED THE HIGHEST GRADE POINTS AMONG THE CADETS OF THE GRADUATING CLASS, YUAN ELLO PEÑA IS PRESENTED THE PRESIDENTIAL SABER.”
My Mom could not believe that my brother became top graduate. We intended to surprise her with our awards and she was really caught off guard.
I heard Papa, Bea and some of our friends and foster families cheer for us. When the ceremony was over, I finally introduced Yuna to my Mom as my girlfriend.
Mom asked my brother jokingly if he had one to introduce too and he said, “two…” as he held out his saber to Mom.
Mom was very sweet to Yuna and I knew right then and there that they clicked.
I enjoyed the first three years of my service and after that felt that Yuna and I were destined for forever. I told Mom of our engagement and said that she prefers we do away with the traditions as I have more papers to follow up.
When Yuna and I went to her parents, they did not have any arguments about it. Her dad also came from PMA but did not graduate so we had a long talk about his days and mine.
Before nearly completing my necessary permits to get married, I came home one day with Mom crying, holding my clearances.
“Yuri, you cannot marry Yuna. I will never consent to it.” She was begging.
But I was angry, “Why Mom?! Why?”
“I just said it can not be!” she was angry now.
“All my life, Mom, it has just been about what you want. Why can it be what I want this time? For chrissake Mom, this is MY LIFE!”
“Yuri!!! It can not be because…” she clutched her chest and gasped for air.
“Mom…” I called her as tears fell from my eyes.
“Don’t…. Ma…”
Mom had a heart attack and she spent several days at the ICU. Papa, Bea and Yuan kept vigil. I do not want her to see me. I felt responsible for this especially when the doctors told us she is not responding to treatments and medication.
As her last hours came, she motioned for me to come hear her. Papa gave me some papers and said, “Yuri, this is the reason why you can not marry Yuna.”
I took them, held my Mommy’s hands and told her I’m sorry. After looking at me, she kissed us, her two boys and her daughter on the forehead and she kissed Papa on the lips. All of us were crying now. She shook her head in an attempt to stop our grieving. She smiled, took her last breath and left us all wailing.
Silent tears fall from my eyes as I looked at the three papers Papa handed me. It was my original birth certificate, the birth certificate I had been using and Yuna’s. Mom changed mine and my brother’s to Papa’s just before Bea was born. My original surname was Guzman, just like Yuna’s. I let out a little smile and the thought that we were really meant for each other entered my mind. But I never expected seeing what was in those documents I was holding. On the father’s name, there it was. Yuna’s and mine were the same.
My childhood was wonderful. As far as I can remember, Mommy, me and my brother lived alone together in a small but decent abode. There were times I would ask about my Daddy and Mom would bite her lip and shrug her shoulders. As I grew, I learned not to ask anymore for I never did get answers.
I also remember how Papa came along. He came to our otherwise nonchalant life and painted it with many brilliant colors. Mom was very happy – something I had never seen and felt before. Sure, she worked hard and there were many times she had to bring me and my brother to work. I never heard her complain, though. But sometimes in the dark of our cozy little room, I could hear her sniff and when I try to wipe her tears away, she will always tell me that everything will be okay even if it’s just Mommy.
But when Papa came, all that changed. There were no more tears and the deepest of me knew something wonderful had happened. I never felt that gnawing feeling I get when I see other kids given a back ride by their dads. Papa gave me and my brother those and more. From that time, I resolved never to ask Mom about my own dad. I am complete with my brother, Mom and Papa.
Shortly before I graduated from elementary, Mom took me to my favorite Italian restaurant and asked me if I ever felt lacking. I remember giving her a puzzled look and asked straightforward, “Why should I be?” Then she told me that this is the time to know about my father. My heart skipped a beat as she told me how they were not blessed with marriage but were blessed with two boys. She finally made me understand that their relationship did not prosper into one worthy of marriage and lifetime commitment. She wanted to be the best Mom and she will never be able to make it with her constant fights with Dad. They had to part.
At that moment, I looked at her and I knew she was waiting for me to say something.
I took her hand and said, “You are the best, Mom.” I saw her fighting back the tears as she paid the bill. Then she handed me the gadget I had long wanted.
Little by little after that talk, she began telling me things about my father. How he sent us financial support back then and how he would come to our birthday celebrations. She told me I got my artistic abilities from him and how my brother looks a lot like him. She told me how she had come to him for money but it just stopped coming. The last she heard was my father getting married just months after my brother was born. I told her I do not want to know anything about my father anymore. I do not want anything to do with him as he had shown nothing for us.
So instead, she told me of her short-lived affairs in pursuit of lifetime partnership. After failing, she resulted to thinking she was destined to be a single parent. But everything changed when she crossed paths with the man I called Papa.
When I was finishing my secondary education, she introduced me to my godparents who were now high ranking officers in the military. I never saw my Mom’s wide affiliations with the service until that time. It opened new doors for me, as well as for my brother. By the end of my first year in college as an architecture student, I have decided to make a go for the Philippine Military Academy Entrance Examination. My brother, being likewise qualified, joined me that day.
Both of us passed the exam as well as the physical tests. Two weeks before we were to report to V. Luna in Quezon City, Papa and Mom had a along talk with us. Mom was all against it because of her many heartbreaks with PMAyers. But my brother and I were too set in making a career in the military so Mom just posted us a challenge: to graduate with Latin honors. She said that any impeding sign that we would not meet that goal, we are free to come home.
The four years were really rigorous but Mom made it a point that neither of us gets special treatment despite her connections. Our Mom and our sister were our partners during socials or what we call hops and formal dinners. Mom gave us freedom to look for other partners though but both my brother and I kept her challenge at heart and did not allow any distractions.
During our last year, visitors from a university in Manila came. I was one of the cadets to entertain them and that was the first time I met and saw Yuna. Her name so stuck with me because my name is Yuri.
She had bright and well rounded eyes and a very infectious laugh. I could tell she was always the light of the party. Before the day ended, despite the jitters, I could not help myself from getting her cellphone number. I realized right at that moment that I could not lose her.
We started conversing and I told Mom about her. Mom was elated because at long last her boy has come of age. She asked me if I was already courting her. I told her no, at least not yet. I was waiting and still working hard for my Latin honors.
All those times, Yuna and I texted each other but I remained casual, no matter how hard that was for me. She mentioned that some of her classmates would be attending our last formal dinner and asked if I already invited someone.
“It has always been my Mom or Bea.”
“Bea…your…” she sounded a bit skeptical.
I let out a smile as I sensed jealousy but casually said, “my sister…half sister.”
“Oh… I thought she was your girlfriend.” I heard her sigh that obviously meant relief.
At that time I knew this was the right moment.
“Yuna…”
“Yes?”
“I think it’s obvious now that I really like you, don’t you think?”
“Well, well, cadet. I thought you’d never say that.” I sensed overwhelming laughter from her.
“But I made a promise to my Mom, that I will graduate with flying colors, and I don’t want to pester you with a long distance relationship either. So I’m saying…”
“That you’re hoping I’ll wait until after graduation?” She finished me off.
“Uhmmm…yes…kind of…” my voice trailed off as I felt a ton lifted off my chest.
“What made you think I’d say yes?” Her voice sounded angry now.
My face fell and silence followed.
After what seemed like eternity, she burst into laughter and said, “you can’t take a joke, can you? Yes! I will!”
“Really?”
“Just make me a promise. I know you’re good at this.”
“Yes, Yuna?”
“Just your Mom and Bea, okay?”
“You’ve got yourself a deal…Yuna?”
“What? Trying to bargain already?” she laughed.
“I love you…” My heart was hammering as I said that. It was my first time.
“Until graduation”
I was more inspired day in and day out and when graduation came, Mom was all teary eyed as the announcements came:
“YURI ELLO PEÑA, PASAY CITY, CUM LAUDE. FOR HAVING GARNERED THE HIGHEST GRADE POINT FOR CADETS JOINING THE NAVY, YURI ELLO PEÑA IS AWARDED THE NAVY SABER.”
I saw Mom’s eyes widen in amazement but she was near breakdown when my brother’s name was called.
“YUAN ELLO PEÑA, PASAY CITY, CUM LAUDE. FOR HAVING GARNERED THE HIGHEST GRADE POINT FOR CADETS JOINING THE AIR FORCE, YUAN ELLO PEÑA IS AWARDED THE AIR FORCE SABER. FOR HAVING GARNERED THE HIGHEST GRADE POINTS AMONG THE CADETS OF THE GRADUATING CLASS, YUAN ELLO PEÑA IS PRESENTED THE PRESIDENTIAL SABER.”
My Mom could not believe that my brother became top graduate. We intended to surprise her with our awards and she was really caught off guard.
I heard Papa, Bea and some of our friends and foster families cheer for us. When the ceremony was over, I finally introduced Yuna to my Mom as my girlfriend.
Mom asked my brother jokingly if he had one to introduce too and he said, “two…” as he held out his saber to Mom.
Mom was very sweet to Yuna and I knew right then and there that they clicked.
I enjoyed the first three years of my service and after that felt that Yuna and I were destined for forever. I told Mom of our engagement and said that she prefers we do away with the traditions as I have more papers to follow up.
When Yuna and I went to her parents, they did not have any arguments about it. Her dad also came from PMA but did not graduate so we had a long talk about his days and mine.
Before nearly completing my necessary permits to get married, I came home one day with Mom crying, holding my clearances.
“Yuri, you cannot marry Yuna. I will never consent to it.” She was begging.
But I was angry, “Why Mom?! Why?”
“I just said it can not be!” she was angry now.
“All my life, Mom, it has just been about what you want. Why can it be what I want this time? For chrissake Mom, this is MY LIFE!”
“Yuri!!! It can not be because…” she clutched her chest and gasped for air.
“Mom…” I called her as tears fell from my eyes.
“Don’t…. Ma…”
Mom had a heart attack and she spent several days at the ICU. Papa, Bea and Yuan kept vigil. I do not want her to see me. I felt responsible for this especially when the doctors told us she is not responding to treatments and medication.
As her last hours came, she motioned for me to come hear her. Papa gave me some papers and said, “Yuri, this is the reason why you can not marry Yuna.”
I took them, held my Mommy’s hands and told her I’m sorry. After looking at me, she kissed us, her two boys and her daughter on the forehead and she kissed Papa on the lips. All of us were crying now. She shook her head in an attempt to stop our grieving. She smiled, took her last breath and left us all wailing.
Silent tears fall from my eyes as I looked at the three papers Papa handed me. It was my original birth certificate, the birth certificate I had been using and Yuna’s. Mom changed mine and my brother’s to Papa’s just before Bea was born. My original surname was Guzman, just like Yuna’s. I let out a little smile and the thought that we were really meant for each other entered my mind. But I never expected seeing what was in those documents I was holding. On the father’s name, there it was. Yuna’s and mine were the same.
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